I haven’t fully expressed my feelings to anyone in a very long time. My back is holding so much stress. I feel like I rarely have an answer anymore, and that even when I do have an answer, it isn’t the right one. I am at one of the loneliest points in my life, and have only become more dependent on human contact. My family is… not the best company, and their company only reminds me of how completely unbearable my past is, and how apparent and horrific reality can be. My mother is my sanity, and that’s about it. I find my heart aching for the problems I cannot fix with my siblings. Even now, as I type this, my eyes are filling up with tears. I’m watching my brother go through one really hard point in his life. Of course, he is the ONLY one that can fix his problems and better his life. But seeing him in so much pain, with his jaw wired shut, stuck in a house with my worry wort of a grandmother, that has NO CLUE how to shut her mouth and let him rest, makes me feel terrible about not being able to take care of him. At the same time, why do I feel that it’s my responsibility to take care of him, and why in the world do I feel guilty that I am not able to? As many of you might know, Matt has always gotten into trouble, and put himself in the worst possible situations. My heart always falls out of my ass whenever I hear of him getting into another clusterfuck. I fear for his life every day, and could never forgive myself if anything ever happened to him. If only he realized and understood my love and concern for him. I don’t know how many horrible things have to happen to him before he actually starts giving a shit about himself and his life. I hope that getting his face smashed in by a rock teaches him to appreciate life a little more. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what will. (My grandma just crop dusted me while I wrote that last sentence. Gross). Emilee is a completely different story. I have promised myself to put as much distance between her and I as possible. Like my brother, I love her very much. But there is only so much you can do before you realize that it’s their duty to better their life. Emilee and Matty are lost causes that I know I cannot help. But it kills me so much to watch them suffer and make horrible decisions. It also fills me FULL of guilt when I can’t do anything at all to help them realize their worth and potential. It’s disappointing. It’s heartbreaking. I feel like a mother. I have absolutely no idea how to not feel so obligated to them. How do I make this “I am responsible for everyone” attitude disappear?
Aimee has been a best friend for the last couple months, and has made many sacrifices for me. Although the last 8 years of my life she has been somewhat…occupied by the men in her life, I felt like I was really getting to know my sister (finally). Unfortunately, due to some shitty occurrences to her, she is desperate (not in a bad way) to find someone to love, and find someone to love her back. I think she may have found that now, and I am happy for her. If this guy is THE guy, my only chance at getting know my sister and spend time her has disappeared. She has been my rock the last couple of months, and the ONLY person I could depend on. She made my world go ‘round, and always kept my chin up. Now that she is never around, I feel my grasp on the world and life has disappeared along with her. With having absolutely no close friends, and my sister finding love, I find my world extremely lonely and boring. I have a two bedroom all to myself most nights. I’m sure you can imagine how lonely that might be.
My one constant are my jobs. They’re my only distraction. They help remind me of my potential, and young success. They help me stay busy and motivated. They help me escape life, and appreciate myself. Sad, right? I have turned into a workaholic, and the only thing that keeps me happy in life is my career.
I miss August. He has been the one single person to understand me 100% for the last four, almost 5 years of my life. He’s the most honest, most supportive, and most dependable person I have ever met. He is more like me than anyone I have ever crossed paths with. He is my most best friend, a brother to me, and the most loyal. I say this to everyone, but we can seriously have a conversation across a crowded room just with facial expressions. I get to talk to him here and there, when our schedules work together, but for the most part he is gone, absent, just like everyone else. He was the only person to make me complete and sane, and he lives too far away, and has a completely opposite schedule from me. I miss him so much it makes me sick.
Love, above all else, has become a hopeless thought. I know I am capable of loving someone and giving myself 100% to them. However, with my luck on love so far, it seems as though I am not capable of being loved back. My queen bed gets more empty every night. My apartment is so quiet. Maybe someday it’ll happen, but for now, I will not hold my breath. I know what you’re thinking too. “Stop looking, and it’ll find you.” Yes, I know this. No, I am not looking.
I’m sitting back, forcing all this out of me, hoping that expressing this will help me cope, or make me feel better. But I think it only made me feel more horrible. I’ve been masking these feelings for so long. Ignoring why I might be feeling this way, or what may have caused me to get to this point. Acknowledging the feelings makes me feel like I’m are just tearing the wound open bigger.
I just turned 21, and I feel like I am carrying around the stress of a 30 year old. This is not how I imagined my life.
Comments aren’t necessary. I just needed to vent, and had no one to vent to.
